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Dear Thelma,
A very long time in the past once I was nonetheless little, I used to be harassed, bullied and crushed for no purpose by this boy. The incident occurred on the Tamparuli Suspension Bridge, Sabah, and was witnessed by my first cousin.
I used to be traumatised for greater than 10 years by what he did to me at the moment however I by no means instructed anybody earlier than as a result of melancholy is silent. A sufferer of bullying normally feels too afraid or humiliated to inform anybody that she or he was harassed.
When I used to be first approached by that boy, I did not even know who he was.
The very first thing he mentioned to me was “Kau minta tumbuk, kah? (Are you asking to be punched?).”
I did not do something to him however he instantly questioned me like that. I didn’t disturb him however he harassed me.
I didn’t dare battle again as a result of I used to be weak and small at the moment. He was larger.
What he did to me at the moment made me really feel uncomfortable for greater than 10 years.
I feel we should not take bullying flippantly.
At sure occasions up to now, I felt like I needed to take revenge. But the extra I thought of it, the extra depressed I turned and I solely damage myself extra till I used to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital.
When I returned to Sabah from Russia round 10 years in the past, I met him at a restaurant in Tuaran.
When I mentioned that I needed to present him my fist to avenge myself, he instantly requested for assist from his buddies. One of them got here and beat me up, and after that they laughed.
However, I learnt to slowly forgive over time as a result of to forgive others is to forgive your self.
I’m sorry this occurred. As you say, bullying is a horrible factor. Moreover, you had been bodily crushed. That is against the law, and this man ought to have been held accountable.
Yes, you had been each children, however an unprovoked assault, witnessed by your first cousin, ought to have been reported to adults. They ought to have stepped in and glued this.
However, out of your story, he was a thug as a juvenile, went uncorrected, and turned out to be a violent thug as an grownup too. He hangs out with others who’re additionally violent.
Frankly, they’re society’s failures.
I discover you do not ask for recommendation. But as you wrote to me, I’m going to share my ideas.
You say you’ve gotten forgiven him, however I do not assume that’s totally true. While being indignant at injustice is a wholesome emotional response, hanging on to a childhood injustice for greater than 10 years, is just not.
You hyperlink this childhood expertise to your sickness while you had been an grownup, to self-harm and to spending a while in a psychiatric hospital. Hopefully, you talked it out whilst you had been there.
However, I do not assume you probably did as a result of your first response while you noticed him was to threaten him with bodily violence. You know that is flawed. Attacking somebody is just not acceptable. Again, I’m sorry his pal beat you. That was not proper both.
Finally, I’m not sure I perceive your ultimate reasoning. As a baby, you had been the goal of a bully. That requires no forgiveness. As an grownup, you selected to supply violence. That is one thing to be sorry for.
But I do not see any suggestion of you acknowledging this was flawed. There is evident disgrace in being bested, there’s humiliation as they laughed, however I’ve the sense that you’re forgiving your self for being crushed up. Also, you are stepping again since you assume you’d lose for those who have interaction in a 3rd bodily battle.
I strongly recommend you assume this over once more, so you’ll be able to come to an actual sense of closure and peace.
Going again to the start might assist with perception. When you had been little, you brooded over the flawed that was carried out, and I think you felt helpless and humiliated. That’s very comprehensible.
But the disgrace is misplaced. It is just not your fault you had been picked on. It is just not your fault that he was larger than you.
If you pinpoint the place these misplaced concepts got here from, and alter them in your individual thoughts, you can transfer ahead.
I’m going to succeed in, and recommend it could be a part of poisonous masculinity, which incorporates the concept ‘actual males’ are champion bodily fighters. In reality, anybody generally is a sufferer of violence. And to disgrace those that are attacked, is to victim-blame. This isn’t just unfair, it’s merciless.
Also, the concept males should be glad to battle is demeaning. We’re human and we’re higher than that. Violence is appropriate provided that you are defending your self from a bodily assault. It’s in any other case unacceptable.
So, replace your concepts on what occurred. If you discover it a problem, speak to a psychological well being skilled. Talk about your feelings, and hopefully, you’ll be able to acquire new perspective and put this behind you as soon as and for all.
