AS LONG as there may be a couple of little one in a household, there’s certain to be some extent of sibling rivalry. But why do siblings battle with one another?
Senior counsellor Dr Nordinah Mohd Kassim says sibling rivalry is a typical phenomenon. “As long as feelings of annoyance, jealousy, envy and competitiveness exist in human beings, sibling rivalry is bound to occur.”
She says that sibling rivalry is just like competitions encountered in different features of life, corresponding to in school or at work.
“It can happen to anyone in the family unit, irrespective of age gap or gender, and its severity is not necessarily determined by these differences,” she says.
However, Nordinah says the beginning order of the youngsters in a household could play a task in shaping sibling rivalry. Each place can considerably impression an individual’s character and behaviour.
“According to psychology’s birth order theory, the eldest child is often perceived as achievement-oriented, while the second child may tend to imitate his or her older sibling. This happens frequently, especially when it comes to education,” she continues.
Boey Lai Kuan, 46, a mom of 4 from Selangor agrees: “My two eldest children constantly compete and compare with each other in their studies.”
Not solely do Eleanor Jo-Ern Jeevaraj, 16, and Ethan Jay-Ern Jeevaraj, 14, measure themselves in opposition to one another of their educational pursuit, in addition they have interaction in conflicts over family chores and materials possessions.
“When they look for support, each of them tends to team up with their fraternal twin siblings to initiate what looks like a battle of the genders,” says the instructor coach at a non-public faculty.
Talent acquisition specialist from Kuala Lumpur, Vonesa Karen Alcontara, 36, remembers what it was wish to be in comparison with her sister, Piliciaa, 37.
“I was never considered the smart one in school, unlike my sister. I also had a reputation for being notorious while she was seen as the angelic one. My teachers would constantly draw comparison between us and advised me to ‘be more like her’,” she recollects.
Piliciaa, the eldest of the Alcontara daughters, affords her perspective: “But I remember those days, I had always wanted to be better than her.”
Now that she has kids of her personal, Piliciaa, who’s a instructor, observes the same dynamic between her two daughters, Divina Grace Christie, eight, and Petra Love Christie, 4.
“This is more obvious when my eldest doesn’t get what she wants or feels she doesn’t receive equal attention as her sister,” she provides.
As children, Piliciaa (left) and Vonesa had been consistently in contrast. — Photos: PILICIAA ALCONTARA
Impact of sibling dynamics
Piliciaa encourages wholesome competitors and pleasant banter amongst her kids as she believes this fosters progress.
“While they may bicker over trivial matters, my younger daughter always seeks comfort in her sister when she is upset. Likewise, Divina looks out for her younger siblings,” she explains.
“At the end of the day,” Piliciaa says, “this is the family that we return to, and they’re the ones who will support us no matter what happens.”
Vonesa provides: “We still have our mother comparing our achievements once in a while, but thankfully, we have grown to learn and appreciate each other’s differences and have become closer after completing our education.”
Nordinah, who’s connected to the International Islamic University Malaysia’s (IIUM) Counselling and Career Service Centre admits that sibling rivalry can impression kids’s personalities and their relationships with others, each inside and exterior of the house. “However, if it is managed effectively, it can actually be beneficial for them.”
For kids coming from an encouraging and supportive household, she explains, sibling rivalry can improve their self-esteem and confidence of their skills, whereas strengthening the bond between siblings.
Boey agrees: “I believe how the tiffs affect children depends on how parents manage the situations or outcomes.”
“If a child doesn’t feel accepted, valued and loved at home, it impacts his or her self-esteem and confidence. The child might internalise negativity and judgements, believing them to be true. This affects emotional development and relationships,” says Boey.
In the long term, Nordinah explains that kids who lack belief and connection inside their household could discover that their rivalry with siblings negatively impacts their relationships with the broader group.
“How the family interacts with each other will affect how the children carry themselves and how they behave outside,” she says.
Piliciaa’s kids, Divina Grace (centre) together with her youthful siblings Petra Love (proper) and Amadeus Bernard (10 months).
Dealing with sibling rivalry
Sibling rivalry is inevitable, notably in households with a number of kids, Nordinah says. She provides that it’s vital to create a household dynamic that balances individualism and collectivism, as steered by Murray Bowen’s multi-generational principle.
“In this context,” she explains, “the key word is nurture. How parents nurture their kids plays an important role in addressing children’s rivalry.”
“Communication is important too,” provides Piliciaa. “It is important to teach children to communicate their feelings, instead of simply reacting to the issues at hand.”
She acknowledges that younger kids could take time to know the idea of expressing their feelings verbally, however finally they’ll grasp the concept.
Her sister, Vonesa, agrees: “Yes, it was only recently that I learned to understand others’ viewpoints without judgement.”
Boey shares how she takes on the listener function together with her kids: “I find this only works when I am mentally prepared to listen.”
“This way,” she provides, “I can focus on the issues while avoiding assumptions or jumping to conclusions, and I can prevent my personal bias from influencing my responses.”
Boey additionally says that parents ought to keep away from displaying favouritism, making comparisons or discrediting a baby in entrance of different siblings – a follow typically carried out by the older era below the guise of encouragement.
“Remember,” she provides, “our children learn by observing and mimicking. Let’s foster respect, not criticism or looking down at other siblings, or mimicking parents scolding them.”
Vonesa and Piliciaa emphasise the significance of unconditional love and respectful therapy from parents to set a constructive instance for his or her kids to observe. “Children mirror their parents. If you want them to flourish, love them unconditionally,” concludes Vonesa.
